Once again you find yourself confused. Once again you think it’s not for you
Once again you cant imagine yourself over this, and once again you cant see a brighter future
your mind is filled with discontentment and blaming, which quickly fades
into self-pity coated with self-hatred.
Your mind goes through periods of empowerment over illusions you try to feed to your head
which quickly implodes into helplessness and anxiety breakdowns
and you realize how silly you are and you laugh at yourself while crying uncontrollably
What did I do wrong? Am I enough?
Wishing you could turn back the hands of time and make it right
But there is not right, only wrong
But the wrong is so right for this time
and you know things played the way the universe intended
yet you resist
yet you try to accept
filling your soul with self-pity and emptiness
resisting it all till you become numb
till you forget
till years later when you realized you didn’t really learn much
it was all just an experience
gathering tid bits of memories before you lie six feet deep.
Laughing at yourself for suffering for such insignificant things
that meant absolutely everything to you then
but that’s exactly what you wanted to do then,
so you wont stop yourself from indulging in the pain
in these questions and scenarios that torture your soul
suffering is a beautiful part of life, and as it all is…
An experience that fills up your days and mind to your last breath.
And you leave confused, resisting it all, trying to accept.
But always laughing at the absurdity of it all.

Love is not for the weak
Love is not for the prideful
Love is not for the lustful
Love is not for the liars
Love is not for us.

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So I have been following the Mike Brown case for weeks now and I find something that shocks me everyday about the case and about America. When justice is an innate part of your being, it is hard not to get infuriated with the state of Ferguson and what occurred there weeks ago.

Before I get backlash from anyone let me summarize it for you guys: The reason why so many of us are enraged is because an 18 year old got shot 8 times when he was unarmed. Whether he stole something, whether his body language was aggressive, the police officers could have used so many different things like body force and taser to arrest Mike Brown. This is justice. Stealing shouldn’t justify someone’s death. And saying that Mike Brown deserved his death for this crime is absolutely abominable.

Same with Kajieme Powell who was screaming “Shoot me now! Kill me now!” while having a knife in his pocket. Could the police not have tased him or used force to put him on the ground to arrest him? If deadly force is the first go-to solution for controlling a black man and bringing justice to this country…well America, you are doing it wrong!

Powell was arrested after he was shot multiple times. Why? Why was Mike Brown’s dead body left out there for hours? Powell gave a powerful message to America. He was a mentally unstable man but perhaps he knew what he was doing. The video shows us that if a police man sees a black man screaming and mad he must be violent and they resort to killing him right away but how can a young white man who shoots a public place or school senseless not be shot down and killed on the spot?

This is not about hatred for cops. This is about hatred for injustice.

This is not about white people being racists. This is about racist people.

What is infuriating to us who support Mike Brown is that people who have been so guarded and inexperienced in life experiences and adversity can claim that racism does not exist. That the lives of people today are not affected by racism and opportunities are not taken away because of racism. That racism is an excuse used by blacks to justify their high jail rates, impoverishment, and overall unequal representation in the nation in terms of power.

The African-American community definitely has its problems. It is a fact that slavery ended not that long ago, that the 60’s was just yesterday and that racism exists today. The scope of history extends for thousands of years and the history of blacks in America has just recently started. You cannot expect generations of enslavement, illiteracy and then little rights to all of a sudden within a few decades to become a generation with a culture that is all about academics and makes their way up to control the system of capitalism.

What really motivated me to write this all is an article talking about Ferguson on the Economist. The comments were so appalling that I decided to give my take on this. This newspaper is meant to be for more educated individuals and the comments reminded me of the early eugenics movement. People still to this day blame genetics for so many things in order for their little brains to ignore all the social, economic, and cultural implications history has on people.

This article is called “The Lessons of Ferguson.” It is a great article, however the comments were so racists and kept saying that black people were inherently dumb and inferior and deserve all these problems because it is all their faults for being inferior. A perfect example of a comment such as the many on these is:

“A race-based quota system is ALREADY in place. The problem is that blacks cannot pass the entrance exam. They cannot read or write. If they cannot read or write then they cannot read the law and apply it fairly, and they cannot write reports that are admitted into the court system.

Blacks are failing in every school system in the US. The reason is genetic and IQ. No matter which country Africans live in, even when attending “enriched” school systems, they continue to fail and have a “flat” IQ of 70…with very few able to read or write above a 5th grade level.

We are different and no progress is going to be made until that fact of our differentness based on genetics is realized and only then will the research come out that will affectively assist blacks and Africans in reaching parity…or as a class, be classified as ‘special’…and accomodations made for them.”

So you are going to tell me that people with this mind set do not exist? And you are going to tell me that racism has no impact on the opportunities and mindset of blacks in America?

So when you want to ask why Mike Brown’s body was left out there, why the police officer was donated more money than Brown’s family, why being black and walking down the street would get you more attention from the police than being white? Why why why can continue for a very long time.

The answer can be definitely linked to this:

Because racism exists today and has been a long part of our beautiful and “fair” American system. If you are not black or other minority you may not experience this and see how it affects you everyday. But to say that it doesn’t exist and impact the DAILY lives of African Americans, you are being foolish and idealistic.

Racism leads people, even highly educated people to think so illogically and unscientifically and then act on those beliefs. For as long as rampant racism exists telling our brains that every young black man is violent (even genetically so) injustice will follow.

So to my Black Americans, understand the state of America but I encourage you to lift each other up, to read to your children before bed and encourage them to seek higher levels of education. To teach them about budgeting money and saving (something my Honduran mom did not teach me and now I’m not the best with money) to get them to be proud of being black and knowing their history but to be eager to change the future of America. If you are already doing this and encouraging the success of the community, keep doing it, you are shaping the future. Let’s use this horrible time in our history to gear up for the future and new history and new ideologies.

For us all, let’s open our hearts and mind to justice and love. If we get thoughts of hate and intolerance lets reason with our brains and let those thoughts leave us and not reflect our actions. As humans were are so alike and all these differences made up by the world, history and egos must be minimized so that we can evolve our minds in order to create a better world for the human species.

hahaha! why you should marry a female physician 😀

Hot Heels, Cool Kicks, & a Scalpel

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A couple of years ago, I asked a friend of mine how she met her husband.  It was at a bar, and when she asked his occupation he replied, “I work for the city.”  She took that to mean he was a construction worker.  They began dating and quickly fell in love.  Much to her surprise about a month into their relationship, she learned he actually played for the NFL team in their city.

Two nights ago, I had the pleasure of having dinner with two very pretty surgical residents.  As they are both single, the conversation quickly turned towards the “single life” here in our city.  One began to tell me she uses dental hygienist as her go-to occupation when meeting men, while the other uses flight attendant.  I have to admit, the flight attendant bit is pretty genius – it actually explains our crazy schedules pretty well!

But…

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One moment we are here, and another moment we have gone. And for this simple moment, how much fuss we make!How much violence,ambition,struggle, conflict, anger,hatred, just for this small moment! – Osho

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via A rich man knows poverty as no poor man can ever know..

 

A poor man is never so poor because still he has hopes: some day or other, destiny is going to shower blessings on him; some day or other he will be able to arrive, to achieve.

He can hope. The rich man has arrived, his hopes are fulfilled — now, suddenly, he finds nothing is fulfilled. All hopes fulfilled, and yet nothing is fulfilled. He has arrived and he has not arrived at all — it has always been a dream journey. He has not moved a single inch.

A man who is successful in the world feels the pain of being a failure as nobody else can feel it. There is a proverb that says that nothing succeeds like success. I would like to tell you: nothing fails like success. But you cannot know it unless you have succeeded. When all the riches are there that you have dreamt about, planned about, worked hard for, then sitting just amidst those riches is the beggar — deep inside empty, hollow; nothing inside, everything outside.

In fact, when everything is there outside, it becomes a contrast. It simply emphasizes your inner emptiness and nothingness. It simply emphasizes your inner beggarliness, poverty. A rich man knows poverty as no poor man can ever know. A successful man knows what failure is. At the top of the world, suddenly you realize that you have been behaving foolishly. You may not say so, because what is the point of saying it? You may go on pretending that you are very happy — presidents and prime ministers go on pretending they are very happy; they are not. They are just saving their faces. Now, what to say? There is no point even in saying anything — they are not true.

So I read this blog today about this person explaining their concept of love and marriage and how society has skewed this concept and makes people who get married young feel like idiots for doing so. Being young should be about dating around and getting to know people and falling in love multiple times before choosing someone to put a ring on it, according to society. As a person who has lived a life of little commitment and much lust I can say that this approach is probably not the best. One of my best friends started dating a guy when she was 14 and now at 23 she has been married to him for almost 2 years now. When I was younger I viewed what they had as something that did not appeal to me. My perception of being with someone that long to me seemed like limiting your growth as a person and your life experiences. Today I see them still so much in love. They value and respect each other so much and its fascinating to know that it is possible to be so in love with someone who has remained constant and almost routine in your life. Although they have known each other and become best friends, they are always trying new things and go out and have night life fun with others. I see what they have and its beautiful.

My dating life on the other hand has been relationships under a year with a lot of time in between each relationship to talk to many guy and go on dates just to explore. I didnt develop any feelings for more than half of the men I talked to and in others there were qualities that I truly enjoyed and hoped that my future lover with possess those qualities. At the end of so much dating, you combine a list of qualities that you like and another list of things you do not want in a lover. When you finally find someone that you can be yourself with and you enjoy them so much, there’s always that baggage that you take around with them. There’s no way one person can possess everything you like about these people and there’s no way one love can give you the same emotions as another. The only thing that changes is how much you are willing to give to yourself to this person. Perhaps there will be a time that I will love this person more than I could ever imagine and he will be exactly what I want, but for now I can see how my history can be a burden for my mind. I was watching videos of this philosopher named Osho who said he did not believe in the concept of marriage because it was about possession. He said that a woman’s body is erotic everywhere and that marriage would cause guilt and internal problems because the sight of a beautiful woman would make him want to spend time with them. This bothered me because I did not see what was wrong with wanting to be with just one person. As time goes by your lover won’t seem as exciting as new potential lovers because our brain gets used to the stimulus of one person and a new one would definitely cause excitement. However, it is vital to understand that and know that there is something so beautiful being with one person. It is not about being possessive because you can’t possess someone’s soul, however it is a decision to be loyal and dedicated to this person’s despite having lustful thoughts.

Love is a commitment, it requires constant work and its something beautiful to be shared with another. Lovers who get married young may be settling with someone who may not be the best for them, or maybe they may know exactly what love is about. They view love as something simple and pure, and that is much more beautiful than someone who expect love to be unrealistic and that person to be perfect. We are all flawed. The point of love is to find someone we are happy with and can still grow as a person through time. I think my own perception of love is skewed but I’m trying to figure it out little by little.

Original Blog posted by some random person. 

I got engaged at an early age, and though others may scoff at that, I don’t regret it for one minute.
Photo Credit: tarale via Compfight cc
PHOTO CREDIT: TARALE VIA COMPFIGHT CC

Sometimes, people treat me as if I’m insane for getting engaged at a young age. They always fool me into thinking that life is a set of calculations I have to solve before even considering marriage, and I hate it. They think I’m idiotic when I say I don’t have all the answers, but I have a direction and plan. They comment on how I should have everything lined up, and I’m left feeling like my romantic view of love has been zapped of all its wonder and magic.

I start to believe them, that maybe love is more than just wanting to marry your best friend; it’s money, a secure job, insurance, car payments, rent, and all the troublesome things of real life.

This is the problem I have with many views on love circulating around our culture today. Too many people empty love of its fascination, making it more a matter of getting your ducks all in a row instead of sweeping you away in something profound and magical. People blog on the joys of being single, parade around how great it is to be young and not engaged, and talk to those who are engaged as if they’re making a mistake. But in my mind, these views don’t have the right perception of love.

Maybe, we’re against getting engaged at an early age because we believe the wrong things about love.

Call me a rebel, but I don’t think love is dependent on my age. Here are the things I do believe about love, the things that propelled me to propose in the first place:

1. Love is not an end

Some people’s solution to the growing divorce rate in America is to find out who you are and get what you want in life before you enter marriage; that way you’re never left guessing whether you could’ve had more during your marriage. I hate this view. It makes it seems like you have to have everything together before you get married, like marriage is a halt to your ambitions, stopping you from doing what you want and becoming who you need to be.

Love is not an end. It is continuous, encouraging and cultivating us to be more in this world. Love, when expressed in its greatest fashion, is meant to encourage your dreams, not stifle them.

2. Love is not part of a checklist to life

When people talk about life and love, they act as if falling in love and getting married are part of some cosmic checklist to life that everyone has to accomplish. The thing about this view is that when you have checklists, you feel unsatisfied unless you move onto the next thing and cross it off your list. Marriage then becomes a requirement for everyone.

For me, I find magic in the idea that marriage is not something I have to do; it’s something I choose to do. Seeing marriage in this light adds value to what I’m doing, beautifies it by making it a choice rather than an obligation.

3. Love is not determined by age

People say I’m young, and that’s true. But when people say I’m too young for marriage, I oppose that. Maturity and love are not defined within numbers; they’re expressed through manner. Sometimes, maturity is linked with age, but as you grow older, your thinking, your circumstances, and how you position yourself in society define your maturity. If you prove yourself to be ready for marriage, then a number shouldn’t tell you otherwise.

4. Love is not measured by the quantity of your money.

People wait to get engaged until they make a certain amount, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But that’s not my story. In my heart, I was wildly in love with my fiancé, so much so that I couldn’t wait till I had a steady job. What I knew was that when it came down to it, I would buckle down and provide, no matter what that costs me.

If to love is to risk, then let love be measured by risk, not by how comfortable you are.

5. Most importantly, love is an adventure.

Some people live boring love stories, where their relationship is nothing more than a routine of dinner and a movie. When love is viewed as a routine, it’s easy to encourage others not to jump into it at an early age. We tell others to live life while they’re young, but maybe, to love is to live life. Because love, in its right sense, is an adventure, compelling us to live better stories with our lives. It doesn’t make sense to dull love down to habit and procedure. If love is to live to its potential, it should continue to sprout new stories and new journeys, sprinkling our lives with creativity and enjoyment rather than boredom.

Love is the most creative and daring adventure anyone could choose to go on. This means that the only end associated with marriage is the ending to a boring and complacent story.

These are the foundational lessons on love I’m holding onto as I get ready to marry my best friend. They remind me that the only insanity I have is to love deeply and passionately; and in my opinion, that’s the best form of insanity there is.

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I think my worst character flaw is pride. It’s something that has caused me much pain that I inflict on myself and I have chosen pride over many things before. Pride has serve me some good because it does not allow others to take advantage of me and it gives me the initiative to end something that is not doing my soul any good. The older I have gotten the more I have made it a conscious effort to have enough pride that it is good but not enough to a point that it blinds me and causes me pain and problems.

This weekend was interesting because it made me think of so many things. I’ve developed very strong feelings for someone and being in the honey moon phase you often forget how quickly relationships can get sour. They’re something that is a CONSTANT working progress and dedication, its like a commitment you take to constantly nurture it and give your real raw you to them. Anyways, I got really insecure and hurt from something so simple and even though I tried convincing myself that I had forgiven him, the way I felt kept eating at me and my pride kept yelling at me to be prideful and be alone, as always. I tried so hard to see from his perspective and tell myself that I could not continue being so unforgiving and being so prideful in relationships like I always am. Who seriously ends up having a relationship that works with too much pride? That’s right, that shit ends because pride is seen as a strength and vulnerability is a weakness and unacceptable and without vulnerability are you really being yourself? This same event that happened this weekend made me think of how I made an ex-lover feel because I did something similar times a million times worse. When he could not understand me or forgive me I was enraged.  Karma came and did something slightly similar to me and even though this should have made me more understanding, it didnt. My pride kept telling me that I was better off alone, that relationships were too inconvenient for me, that it was not worth swallowing my pride for this. Pride causes you not to express how you really feel. Pride causes you to display someone that’s not really you. Pride stems from fear and not wanting to feel insignificant.

I decided to forgive, truly forgive and stop having pride be such a big factor in this and choosing to show my weaknesses and insecurities instead of portraying myself as a strong woman who won’t take shit from anyone. In all relationships, there has to be an understanding that pride needs to be controlled in many situations.