I was talking to my friend, kirk, who I had not spoken much to in a while. I had a biochem Exam and was panicking because I had not studied one bit, the least I have studied for any exam because I thought I would get approval to take it Thursday(first time asking for a favor from a professor ever!)   but nope, my professor said he believed in no exceptions and flat out ignored my two emails. Anyways, I was panicking the hour before my exam, I’m usually a good student…. especially by November! Kirk comes to my rescue and hands me this study guide which I read as fast as I have ever read anything in my life! Mind you I still failed the exam (he posted grades :[), but the fact that he came to my rescue just shows the person he is, and the person I have been becoming less and less of. 

It is November. November 2012. I don’t understand how time flew by. It’s been almost a year since I let go (mutually) of someone I loved more than anything, of worried about my future, and of becoming bitter towards many friends. I would say in many ways, I have become a worse person this year. What kirk did for me reminded me that I need to be a better friend. I think I’m obsessed with finding obsessed passionate relationships in my life, where I give so much of myself and think about them in almost all my actions. I like having a lot of positive reinforcement and love giving it as well. I don’t know if I became disappointed in people or something dragged me down but I know I’m not as giving and not that preoccupied with friendships or relationships. When men show interest I make up excuses about how busy my schedule is when I go through marathons of awesome TV shows instead, or when I meet new people I think how time consuming a new friendship is, and become lazy towards making one. It’s not that I don’t want to help people, if someone needed my help I would be there for them no matter what. I think I’m afraid of emotional commitment these days, and it leading to nowhere. I want relationships that last and no matter the distance or time I have not seen them, that the love is mutual and that both want the best for each other. Wanting the best for each other. That’s a true friendship.

For this next lifetime coming, I want to go back to being my old self. I want to be more giving and more loving, and more forgiving. I think we should always strive to be those things, despite our life experiences. I read a quote that said “Life is a beautiful struggle.” some people have it realll bad, and some people like me just have to deal with a few issues here and there, but growing up should not be about becoming bitter, and less “naive” and trusting of people, it should be about becoming a better person despite difficulties and struggle with one’s ego.