I remember my first boyfriend when I was about sixteen. We spent so much time together and talked endlessly about mindless things on the phone. I was not sure if I was in love, so I would take these stupid quizzes online to see if I was in love. The quizzes would always say yes, but in my heart I knew the answer was no. I continued this trend of being in engrossed relationships but never really getting too emotionally involved. I would feel bad because I would end up hurting boys with my indifference and I did not want to fake any emotions. My mom would always tell me I was a smart girl and was too focused on school to pay attention to little boys, but I felt like it was not that I did not want to, I just couldn’t. Even with older men I could not communicate well with, so I simply stopped talking to them. It seemed like forgetting was my forte, and I could do it on a whim.

    When I turned 20, all of that changed and I finally knew that I could love and felt those emotions strongly. There was no questioning, I knew. And it was great knowing that these emotions were more real than anything I had ever felt. I’m no longer in that relationship, but thinking about those times make me really sad. I’m sure the timing had something to do with it, but for the first time I had found someone who I could finally truly communicate with and taught me so much. I’m a bit arrogant when it comes to life lessons from men. I feel like most men I meet have little knowledge and wisdom to share with me. This probably has to do with trusts issues developed at a young age. Despite this all, he somehow always captivated me. He constantly made me think thoughts I never had before, or a different perspective. He taught me about what mistakes not to make, and through his own perceived failures, how to prepare my mindset to cope with emotions I would have to deal with in the future.  I would go to him first to rely on emotionally because he understood me so well. I could talk to him about silly things to philosophy to life and death, basically everything.  I suddenly felt like he became a part of my everything and anything I did, I had him in my mind. I truly enjoyed every second of it. The whole experience was a blessing. 

   It was sad to lose my best friend, and although life has been pretty good to me for the past four months, there is still an emptiness within me. Even if I did not have the relationship aspect of it I would still love to have my dear friend again. I think from that experience I realized that my main love language is communication, and that whoever I end up with has to engage my mind and soul. I’m sure I will find someone again to love, I am young and fairly good-looking. I don’t know why it is taking so long to erase affection from my heart. When I have a friendship, I try my hardest to make it last a lifetime. I put time, dedication, and love into them so I cherish memories dearly. With relationships however, there must be an endpoint, and sometimes you must force those emotions to come to an endpoint. I know my own pride and insecurities got in the way of my real emotions (some valid reasoning), and I hope they don’t get the best of me in the next. 

 

 

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