We can be our own worst enemies at times. Our mind projects such negative thoughts that turns into energy that surrounds our every being. This energy impacts relationships with others, but more importantly with ourselves. My negative mind was born in the summer of 2011. I was having a lot of family problems and I just felt so cynical and helpless. I was hurt by it all but I did not know how much it would affect me. This negative energy began consuming me, and I suddenly felt unlucky and miserable. I had little motivation in me and that semester I was also President of Unicef chapter at our university. I wanted to empower the students, and make them feel anything but helpless, but the extent of human suffering children bear worldwide really took a toll on me. I simply took my position too seriously, and  could not stop thinking these daily sufferings. Just as with my little brother, I felt helpless because I couldn’t help all the children in the world. I remember I watched a video on the drug Krokodil in Russia and how these teenagers take it for a high although it will deteriorate and rot their bodies. I cried in the shower and was depressed the whole day after that, my roommate was freaked out by my strong reaction, but it saddened me to know that this emptiness growing within my soul was of the same kind that grew out of control for those teenagers. Many humans are spiritually empty, causing harm upon other and upon themselves. I had felt so empty and so helpless towards everyone I knew. With this poisoned mindset, I saw a bleak future, my passion for medicine was dwindling, and I was no longer me. This whole transformation because of thoughts. Small, insignificant, poisoning thoughts that manifested themselves into mind-controlling emotions. I couldn’t share these with people too often because my basis for these emotions were not even understood by myself. 

     As the new year started, I thought 2012 would bring me rainbows and unicorns. Of course this delusion soon eroded once everything started falling apart. All the goals I set for myself, 3 of them specifically, I failed at accomplishing. I did not understand why it was all happening at once. Things had come to me pretty easily. If I wanted something, I would use positive energy and a nothing-is-gonna-stop me mindset. My new mindset had doubt, fear, and a sense of insignificance to this world. It showed. No matter how much I tried hiding it, it came out in every aspect of my life. I felt distant from everyone except my childhood friend, Nicole. To this day I thank her dearly for being there for me and being the only support system for me then.  I knew I was failing emotionally as a person, but to have this energy consume my career dreams just sucked. Instead of getting back up from obstacles, I told myself I was dumb, unimportant, and weak. The world resonated this same energy to me, and I knew I was right about all these negative thoughts. I went from regarding myself with love to…well certainly not with love. 

     Finally…How did I free my mind? Time to myself. I isolated myself. I was in a summer program on an island and all the young students bonded, went out dancing, but I just stayed in. When I went back to Houston, there were weeks that I did not go out. I wrote a lot, writing has always been my therapy. I told myself I would stop having such negative thoughts, and little by little I felt happier, slowly escaping from my own prison mind. Only you can change your mindset and I slowly stopped having such thoughts. As I strolled under warm sunlight the other day, I was thinking of my future family, having a picnic at the park and loving my children. These thoughts were so simplistic, but I was happy to be changing my mind to this simple way again. Overall I have been much happier. This energy is reflecting on everything: my relationship with my family is stronger than ever, and the kindness of strangers who want nothing from me has been so overwhelming. I hope, no matter what age I am, I can always refer back to this time period and be able to control my thoughts and emotions so that I can continue being the woman of my dreams. 

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