I think my worst character flaw is pride. It’s something that has caused me much pain that I inflict on myself and I have chosen pride over many things before. Pride has serve me some good because it does not allow others to take advantage of me and it gives me the initiative to end something that is not doing my soul any good. The older I have gotten the more I have made it a conscious effort to have enough pride that it is good but not enough to a point that it blinds me and causes me pain and problems.

This weekend was interesting because it made me think of so many things. I’ve developed very strong feelings for someone and being in the honey moon phase you often forget how quickly relationships can get sour. They’re something that is a CONSTANT working progress and dedication, its like a commitment you take to constantly nurture it and give your real raw you to them. Anyways, I got really insecure and hurt from something so simple and even though I tried convincing myself that I had forgiven him, the way I felt kept eating at me and my pride kept yelling at me to be prideful and be alone, as always. I tried so hard to see from his perspective and tell myself that I could not continue being so unforgiving and being so prideful in relationships like I always am. Who seriously ends up having a relationship that works with too much pride? That’s right, that shit ends because pride is seen as a strength and vulnerability is a weakness and unacceptable and without vulnerability are you really being yourself? This same event that happened this weekend made me think of how I made an ex-lover feel because I did something similar times a million times worse. When he could not understand me or forgive me I was enraged.  Karma came and did something slightly similar to me and even though this should have made me more understanding, it didnt. My pride kept telling me that I was better off alone, that relationships were too inconvenient for me, that it was not worth swallowing my pride for this. Pride causes you not to express how you really feel. Pride causes you to display someone that’s not really you. Pride stems from fear and not wanting to feel insignificant.

I decided to forgive, truly forgive and stop having pride be such a big factor in this and choosing to show my weaknesses and insecurities instead of portraying myself as a strong woman who won’t take shit from anyone. In all relationships, there has to be an understanding that pride needs to be controlled in many situations.