Archives for posts with tag: relationships

So I read this blog today about this person explaining their concept of love and marriage and how society has skewed this concept and makes people who get married young feel like idiots for doing so. Being young should be about dating around and getting to know people and falling in love multiple times before choosing someone to put a ring on it, according to society. As a person who has lived a life of little commitment and much lust I can say that this approach is probably not the best. One of my best friends started dating a guy when she was 14 and now at 23 she has been married to him for almost 2 years now. When I was younger I viewed what they had as something that did not appeal to me. My perception of being with someone that long to me seemed like limiting your growth as a person and your life experiences. Today I see them still so much in love. They value and respect each other so much and its fascinating to know that it is possible to be so in love with someone who has remained constant and almost routine in your life. Although they have known each other and become best friends, they are always trying new things and go out and have night life fun with others. I see what they have and its beautiful.

My dating life on the other hand has been relationships under a year with a lot of time in between each relationship to talk to many guy and go on dates just to explore. I didnt develop any feelings for more than half of the men I talked to and in others there were qualities that I truly enjoyed and hoped that my future lover with possess those qualities. At the end of so much dating, you combine a list of qualities that you like and another list of things you do not want in a lover. When you finally find someone that you can be yourself with and you enjoy them so much, there’s always that baggage that you take around with them. There’s no way one person can possess everything you like about these people and there’s no way one love can give you the same emotions as another. The only thing that changes is how much you are willing to give to yourself to this person. Perhaps there will be a time that I will love this person more than I could ever imagine and he will be exactly what I want, but for now I can see how my history can be a burden for my mind. I was watching videos of this philosopher named Osho who said he did not believe in the concept of marriage because it was about possession. He said that a woman’s body is erotic everywhere and that marriage would cause guilt and internal problems because the sight of a beautiful woman would make him want to spend time with them. This bothered me because I did not see what was wrong with wanting to be with just one person. As time goes by your lover won’t seem as exciting as new potential lovers because our brain gets used to the stimulus of one person and a new one would definitely cause excitement. However, it is vital to understand that and know that there is something so beautiful being with one person. It is not about being possessive because you can’t possess someone’s soul, however it is a decision to be loyal and dedicated to this person’s despite having lustful thoughts.

Love is a commitment, it requires constant work and its something beautiful to be shared with another. Lovers who get married young may be settling with someone who may not be the best for them, or maybe they may know exactly what love is about. They view love as something simple and pure, and that is much more beautiful than someone who expect love to be unrealistic and that person to be perfect. We are all flawed. The point of love is to find someone we are happy with and can still grow as a person through time. I think my own perception of love is skewed but I’m trying to figure it out little by little.

Original Blog posted by some random person. 

I got engaged at an early age, and though others may scoff at that, I don’t regret it for one minute.
Photo Credit: tarale via Compfight cc
PHOTO CREDIT: TARALE VIA COMPFIGHT CC

Sometimes, people treat me as if I’m insane for getting engaged at a young age. They always fool me into thinking that life is a set of calculations I have to solve before even considering marriage, and I hate it. They think I’m idiotic when I say I don’t have all the answers, but I have a direction and plan. They comment on how I should have everything lined up, and I’m left feeling like my romantic view of love has been zapped of all its wonder and magic.

I start to believe them, that maybe love is more than just wanting to marry your best friend; it’s money, a secure job, insurance, car payments, rent, and all the troublesome things of real life.

This is the problem I have with many views on love circulating around our culture today. Too many people empty love of its fascination, making it more a matter of getting your ducks all in a row instead of sweeping you away in something profound and magical. People blog on the joys of being single, parade around how great it is to be young and not engaged, and talk to those who are engaged as if they’re making a mistake. But in my mind, these views don’t have the right perception of love.

Maybe, we’re against getting engaged at an early age because we believe the wrong things about love.

Call me a rebel, but I don’t think love is dependent on my age. Here are the things I do believe about love, the things that propelled me to propose in the first place:

1. Love is not an end

Some people’s solution to the growing divorce rate in America is to find out who you are and get what you want in life before you enter marriage; that way you’re never left guessing whether you could’ve had more during your marriage. I hate this view. It makes it seems like you have to have everything together before you get married, like marriage is a halt to your ambitions, stopping you from doing what you want and becoming who you need to be.

Love is not an end. It is continuous, encouraging and cultivating us to be more in this world. Love, when expressed in its greatest fashion, is meant to encourage your dreams, not stifle them.

2. Love is not part of a checklist to life

When people talk about life and love, they act as if falling in love and getting married are part of some cosmic checklist to life that everyone has to accomplish. The thing about this view is that when you have checklists, you feel unsatisfied unless you move onto the next thing and cross it off your list. Marriage then becomes a requirement for everyone.

For me, I find magic in the idea that marriage is not something I have to do; it’s something I choose to do. Seeing marriage in this light adds value to what I’m doing, beautifies it by making it a choice rather than an obligation.

3. Love is not determined by age

People say I’m young, and that’s true. But when people say I’m too young for marriage, I oppose that. Maturity and love are not defined within numbers; they’re expressed through manner. Sometimes, maturity is linked with age, but as you grow older, your thinking, your circumstances, and how you position yourself in society define your maturity. If you prove yourself to be ready for marriage, then a number shouldn’t tell you otherwise.

4. Love is not measured by the quantity of your money.

People wait to get engaged until they make a certain amount, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But that’s not my story. In my heart, I was wildly in love with my fiancé, so much so that I couldn’t wait till I had a steady job. What I knew was that when it came down to it, I would buckle down and provide, no matter what that costs me.

If to love is to risk, then let love be measured by risk, not by how comfortable you are.

5. Most importantly, love is an adventure.

Some people live boring love stories, where their relationship is nothing more than a routine of dinner and a movie. When love is viewed as a routine, it’s easy to encourage others not to jump into it at an early age. We tell others to live life while they’re young, but maybe, to love is to live life. Because love, in its right sense, is an adventure, compelling us to live better stories with our lives. It doesn’t make sense to dull love down to habit and procedure. If love is to live to its potential, it should continue to sprout new stories and new journeys, sprinkling our lives with creativity and enjoyment rather than boredom.

Love is the most creative and daring adventure anyone could choose to go on. This means that the only end associated with marriage is the ending to a boring and complacent story.

These are the foundational lessons on love I’m holding onto as I get ready to marry my best friend. They remind me that the only insanity I have is to love deeply and passionately; and in my opinion, that’s the best form of insanity there is.

I have been thinking lately that I need to change my mindset. Often times when we don’t see eye to eye with people, or hurt them and vice versa. We see ourselves as victims, and justify our actions with our own reasoning. I have realized that it is important to forgive others, not just for the act of forgiving, but forgiving yourself. You see often times we know we are wrong, and we can never truly forgive because in the back of our heads, despite our many justifications for why we are right, we know we are wrong too. We victimize ourselves and think we are granting our goodness when we forgive. When we forgive, we should do it because we know we are not perfect and we are victims of our own subconscious (and sometimes conscious egoes) and other people are too. Our own justifications and reasoning for our own views are not any better than others when we forgive others truthfully  we forgive ourselves and our shortcomings. 

 I usually have friends for decades and I love them but the older you grow and the more regions you travel you meet people who come from different upbringing and values than you were. It is hard when there’s misunderstandings because you literally have to place your brain into that person’s family and values. I am getting better at doing this, and part of this is because I am analyzing myself as someone who is a product of my own mind’s projections and a victim of my own mind not of other people’s actions. 

There has been a relationship or two where I have thought of letting go. They didn’t get too sour, but the misunderstanding (s) caused me so much distress that I thought it would be easier to let go. To myself, and other I made myself to be a victim. Although these were truly my emotions, I knew I was wrong. We as people are our own lawyers and will defend our own side, but to be fair and just individuals we should try to give the other person’s side some validity. 

I have decided that when I forgive I will not victimize anyone and will be more honest with myself, even if it gives me fear of who I am and what control my thoughts have taken. It is only with being honest with yourself of who you truly are, your flaws and all, that you can have truly relationships with people. 

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Sometimes I wonder what it is I want of life. There are times when I have a vivid, clear picture of the beautiful and fulfilling life that lies ahead of me and there are other times when I am filled with uncertainty.

As humans sometimes the world tells us we must prove our importance to others and thus we will be fulfilled in feeling and appreciating our own significance in this process….and this all is a fallacy we are taught to believe for so long. It is not until we stop caring how others view us that we can be free from our own conceptions of who we should be.

I am a career driven woman. I look forward to the days where I am overworked, finances straight, and a life of people who respect the work I do. However, beyond all, what I want most is love. Without love, this would all, everything I would have worked for would mean so little. I fear the day when I feel satisfied with my academic life, yet feel that I neglected so much and so many opportunities for sheer joy forbidding myself to be loved.

What I need most is passion. I am so passionate about relationships with people and discussions. Sometimes I think the main reason I am going to practice medicine is because of the relationships I will and hope to have with my patients. Life fascinate me, and death fascinates me perhaps even more so. Connecting with someone on a deep level is what I live for.

 Trust, friendship, and respect are all important in a relationship, but what I want most is passion.  Most people would think of lustful passion…but it is more than that. Passion to me is when someone is fascinated by you, even your flaws. They have a passion for your existence and feel that your creation is a bliss to your world and a blessing. Among billions, one deserves to be loved dearly with passion and dedication. Passion derives from feelings that something is unique and a whole new level on its own. That person sees you in a light completely different that others and do their best to keep the passion alive for years.

There are many, many moments in my life where I feel joy and a voice in my head tells me to cherish these moments because soon they will be decades away. I think of myself being old often, and hope I may be able to reach such a wise age. I hope my wise age is filled with love, knowledge, health, travels, and lots of laugh. If so, I would have thousands to millions of blessings to be thankful for…but of course the beauty of life is suffering, whichever degree I must experience human suffering, all I can ask for is to be loved deeply, flaws and all. In hard times, without love, we fall. 

     We can be our own worst enemies at times. Our mind projects such negative thoughts that turns into energy that surrounds our every being. This energy impacts relationships with others, but more importantly with ourselves. My negative mind was born in the summer of 2011. I was having a lot of family problems and I just felt so cynical and helpless. I was hurt by it all but I did not know how much it would affect me. This negative energy began consuming me, and I suddenly felt unlucky and miserable. I had little motivation in me and that semester I was also President of Unicef chapter at our university. I wanted to empower the students, and make them feel anything but helpless, but the extent of human suffering children bear worldwide really took a toll on me. I simply took my position too seriously, and  could not stop thinking these daily sufferings. Just as with my little brother, I felt helpless because I couldn’t help all the children in the world. I remember I watched a video on the drug Krokodil in Russia and how these teenagers take it for a high although it will deteriorate and rot their bodies. I cried in the shower and was depressed the whole day after that, my roommate was freaked out by my strong reaction, but it saddened me to know that this emptiness growing within my soul was of the same kind that grew out of control for those teenagers. Many humans are spiritually empty, causing harm upon other and upon themselves. I had felt so empty and so helpless towards everyone I knew. With this poisoned mindset, I saw a bleak future, my passion for medicine was dwindling, and I was no longer me. This whole transformation because of thoughts. Small, insignificant, poisoning thoughts that manifested themselves into mind-controlling emotions. I couldn’t share these with people too often because my basis for these emotions were not even understood by myself. 

     As the new year started, I thought 2012 would bring me rainbows and unicorns. Of course this delusion soon eroded once everything started falling apart. All the goals I set for myself, 3 of them specifically, I failed at accomplishing. I did not understand why it was all happening at once. Things had come to me pretty easily. If I wanted something, I would use positive energy and a nothing-is-gonna-stop me mindset. My new mindset had doubt, fear, and a sense of insignificance to this world. It showed. No matter how much I tried hiding it, it came out in every aspect of my life. I felt distant from everyone except my childhood friend, Nicole. To this day I thank her dearly for being there for me and being the only support system for me then.  I knew I was failing emotionally as a person, but to have this energy consume my career dreams just sucked. Instead of getting back up from obstacles, I told myself I was dumb, unimportant, and weak. The world resonated this same energy to me, and I knew I was right about all these negative thoughts. I went from regarding myself with love to…well certainly not with love. 

     Finally…How did I free my mind? Time to myself. I isolated myself. I was in a summer program on an island and all the young students bonded, went out dancing, but I just stayed in. When I went back to Houston, there were weeks that I did not go out. I wrote a lot, writing has always been my therapy. I told myself I would stop having such negative thoughts, and little by little I felt happier, slowly escaping from my own prison mind. Only you can change your mindset and I slowly stopped having such thoughts. As I strolled under warm sunlight the other day, I was thinking of my future family, having a picnic at the park and loving my children. These thoughts were so simplistic, but I was happy to be changing my mind to this simple way again. Overall I have been much happier. This energy is reflecting on everything: my relationship with my family is stronger than ever, and the kindness of strangers who want nothing from me has been so overwhelming. I hope, no matter what age I am, I can always refer back to this time period and be able to control my thoughts and emotions so that I can continue being the woman of my dreams. 

 

I remember my first boyfriend when I was about sixteen. We spent so much time together and talked endlessly about mindless things on the phone. I was not sure if I was in love, so I would take these stupid quizzes online to see if I was in love. The quizzes would always say yes, but in my heart I knew the answer was no. I continued this trend of being in engrossed relationships but never really getting too emotionally involved. I would feel bad because I would end up hurting boys with my indifference and I did not want to fake any emotions. My mom would always tell me I was a smart girl and was too focused on school to pay attention to little boys, but I felt like it was not that I did not want to, I just couldn’t. Even with older men I could not communicate well with, so I simply stopped talking to them. It seemed like forgetting was my forte, and I could do it on a whim.

    When I turned 20, all of that changed and I finally knew that I could love and felt those emotions strongly. There was no questioning, I knew. And it was great knowing that these emotions were more real than anything I had ever felt. I’m no longer in that relationship, but thinking about those times make me really sad. I’m sure the timing had something to do with it, but for the first time I had found someone who I could finally truly communicate with and taught me so much. I’m a bit arrogant when it comes to life lessons from men. I feel like most men I meet have little knowledge and wisdom to share with me. This probably has to do with trusts issues developed at a young age. Despite this all, he somehow always captivated me. He constantly made me think thoughts I never had before, or a different perspective. He taught me about what mistakes not to make, and through his own perceived failures, how to prepare my mindset to cope with emotions I would have to deal with in the future.  I would go to him first to rely on emotionally because he understood me so well. I could talk to him about silly things to philosophy to life and death, basically everything.  I suddenly felt like he became a part of my everything and anything I did, I had him in my mind. I truly enjoyed every second of it. The whole experience was a blessing. 

   It was sad to lose my best friend, and although life has been pretty good to me for the past four months, there is still an emptiness within me. Even if I did not have the relationship aspect of it I would still love to have my dear friend again. I think from that experience I realized that my main love language is communication, and that whoever I end up with has to engage my mind and soul. I’m sure I will find someone again to love, I am young and fairly good-looking. I don’t know why it is taking so long to erase affection from my heart. When I have a friendship, I try my hardest to make it last a lifetime. I put time, dedication, and love into them so I cherish memories dearly. With relationships however, there must be an endpoint, and sometimes you must force those emotions to come to an endpoint. I know my own pride and insecurities got in the way of my real emotions (some valid reasoning), and I hope they don’t get the best of me in the next. 

 

 

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Is there a God? I am personally not closely affiliated with any religion, but whenever I speak to atheists, my heart sinks. It does not sink because I am upset of their personal opinion, but fathoming a world so complex, so beautiful, so interconnected, without a God creating this all, truly saddens me. I will never understand how biology evolved human consciousness, and will never understand why the human range of emotions are so powerful and vast if all we need to do is eat, survive, and reproduce. The greatest joy I get is from giving back emotionally. No matter who I meet, they find it easy to talk to me and share their life’s stories. They know I care. The act of compassion arises from oneness. You can understand that person and feel connected to them spiritually. God is what connects all of us, and when we feel pure love, joy, and compassion, we understand that these emotions come from god, the true connection between every being of our universe. 

I think spirituality should be important to all of us. I was having a conversation with my brother the other day, and we concluded that in many ways, religion was bad for the world because it created intolerance, hate, and separation. This is not the religion itself, but the people who, with their human flaws misconstrue beautiful messages and praise values for the betterment and fortification of their egos. With only one religion existing it would all be easier , or as Emperor Ashoka, (who helped India become a Buddhist state) said that coexisting in religions was necessary and essential to their own values. Love is the principal and most important thing in life (aside from air, food, and water) and all religions stress love. So instead of having differences to segregate people, our humanness and desire for pure love should unite us.

I just finished reading a book called “Proof of Heaven” by Dr. Eben Alexander, so it has definitely motivated me to write this blog. I loved it. I also have enjoyed Eckhart Tolle’s books on spirituality. This book was about a neurosurgeon who randomly contracted e.Coli meningitis and was in a coma for seven days. It is a good mix between spirituality and science, so within two days I devoured the book. He explains his beautiful out of body experience and how his views of spirituality changed completely. He writes about how science has stripped so much of our spiritual side, and how no matter how much we know about molecules and physics, we have no idea what causes consciousness. I don’t know how exactly to review the book, there are some really good quotes in the book that completely fascinated me. My favorite one is:

                                You are loved and cherished forever.

                                       You have nothing to Fear.

                                There is nothing you can do wrong. 

I was talking to my friend, kirk, who I had not spoken much to in a while. I had a biochem Exam and was panicking because I had not studied one bit, the least I have studied for any exam because I thought I would get approval to take it Thursday(first time asking for a favor from a professor ever!)   but nope, my professor said he believed in no exceptions and flat out ignored my two emails. Anyways, I was panicking the hour before my exam, I’m usually a good student…. especially by November! Kirk comes to my rescue and hands me this study guide which I read as fast as I have ever read anything in my life! Mind you I still failed the exam (he posted grades :[), but the fact that he came to my rescue just shows the person he is, and the person I have been becoming less and less of. 

It is November. November 2012. I don’t understand how time flew by. It’s been almost a year since I let go (mutually) of someone I loved more than anything, of worried about my future, and of becoming bitter towards many friends. I would say in many ways, I have become a worse person this year. What kirk did for me reminded me that I need to be a better friend. I think I’m obsessed with finding obsessed passionate relationships in my life, where I give so much of myself and think about them in almost all my actions. I like having a lot of positive reinforcement and love giving it as well. I don’t know if I became disappointed in people or something dragged me down but I know I’m not as giving and not that preoccupied with friendships or relationships. When men show interest I make up excuses about how busy my schedule is when I go through marathons of awesome TV shows instead, or when I meet new people I think how time consuming a new friendship is, and become lazy towards making one. It’s not that I don’t want to help people, if someone needed my help I would be there for them no matter what. I think I’m afraid of emotional commitment these days, and it leading to nowhere. I want relationships that last and no matter the distance or time I have not seen them, that the love is mutual and that both want the best for each other. Wanting the best for each other. That’s a true friendship.

For this next lifetime coming, I want to go back to being my old self. I want to be more giving and more loving, and more forgiving. I think we should always strive to be those things, despite our life experiences. I read a quote that said “Life is a beautiful struggle.” some people have it realll bad, and some people like me just have to deal with a few issues here and there, but growing up should not be about becoming bitter, and less “naive” and trusting of people, it should be about becoming a better person despite difficulties and struggle with one’s ego.